of mice and ail

chilling with patrick and andje today after work drinking red stripe, eating rice and beans and jerk chicken we all kinda talked about where we are at in our life and how its all worked out and what the ideal is.... if it is in fact attainable. i mean we are all so polar in background and experience. all essentially at the same age, just in different places; one married, one engaged and one single. patricks story is real cool though. the dude grew up in belize and in that carib-type way of life where is all so much slower paced and relaxed, people looking out for eachother, enjoying the simple things. i really wanna go visit there and get that refreshing feel. a canadian girl on vacation and a kid later he's doin the damn thing with us. it stirred a real reflective night for me.

me and the mid twenties are in the love/hate relationship right now. i feel pulled by so many people, circumstances and objectives and goals... all in seemingly opposite directions. hearing many different points of view from everyone since i got back has me spinning a bit. i feel real pressure for me to choose between the "real world" and livin life through experiences... which one gets you further in the long run? how do you maintain or even achieve any sort of balance between the two?

part A: career path
1. the 9-5 career: you work for somebody or a company and get stability, reliability, growth, direction and responsibility. the road to suburbia. i really hate to generalize but you meet someone you get along with well enough, a dog, house, kids, soccer games and a volvo. you pay your bills and slowly and surely progress with relatively little threat to your way of life. potentially boring and forcing the feeling of being trapped in a cage of structure or in a caste type system.

2. hide: (i) you stay in school, doing degree after degree until you think you are happy with your certification or that you think other people are happy with what you have achieved. then you get into the world and realize its not so much useful as it is an opportunity provider and door opener. (ii) travelling and seeing the world picking up odd jobs here and there as you float. meet all kinds of people with similar open mindsets. acculmulate stories to last a lifetime whilst avoiding most responsibilities and mundane day to day behavior. upon return to the "real world" a sense of dissillusionment and a feeling like the rat race is passing you by. whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.... especially in our society. at the end of a life possibly the most individually rewarding but in the big picture of family and structure... definitely lacking

3. create: be an entrepeneur, taking many risks and challenges with huge risk reward failure consequences. requires more time and effort but a potentially large payoff and the satisfaction of knowing you did it on your own. takes alot of time and energy and is hindered by family and social events and occasions. notorious for failure initially. but like the lotto, there's always a chance of the jackpot. in the end you become your own boss and enjoy that flexibility of time.

all three of these paths i've experienced a bit so far, albeit none in any serious depth. just getting the feet wet. its a tough call as to which path to choose. i can see myself in each category but i honestly think there are negatives or hinderences to each that i would find hard to adapt to and live with. i've got friends in all these types of situations and to tell you the truth, everyone complains in their own way and has expressed their regrets and unfullfilled aspirations. maybe i just try and seek perfection too much and am too picky for the circumstance. i just hate the idea of settling, but at the same time i yearn to be settled(if that makes any sense). i mean i know what kind of person i am and what my character is and when i do choose i know i'll be successful, its just when it comes to making that decision, it makes me want to bathe in a tub of procrastination.

part b: lady
during that road of life you are looking for that one to share it all with. the more weddings i become involved in or hear about, i can't but help dwelling on it. i guess most of my friends weddings i am always pretty involved with, which is an honor of course to be in wedding party's, best man, M.C. duties or ushering....ect. my perception of what they are all about has evolved so much its hard to put into words or even know where to start. i feel like i'm constantly re-evaluating relationships i've been in or those i seek... how do you decide with a clear concience and how does one begin to think of mustering the confidence and courage to make a life altering commmitment, not necessarily now but in the seemingly near future. you wonder if you have just created auras, illusions or false perceptions of, or surrounding these people.... or whether you are just doubting yourself because you are hesitant when it comes down to it. what qualities are the ones that are worth holding onto? can you still be stimulated, smile and be held by someone's personality and character when all else has faded? can you see that connection being just a flare or the olympic flame? i'm just not into gettin slammed anymore at the clubs, conversing with no-minds and wasting my time and money. i want more than just a novelty. like costanza says "world's are colliding!!" . but how do you put yourself in a situation of trust and reliance? many people i've encountered along the way that are married and now are dealing with divorce, turmoil, kids, separation, or just plain unhappy. How do i avoid this? i'm not even a dude who gets in longterm relationships. am i just being wary and careful to pick my spot or just plain scared of commitment? i've thought about that at night a time or two to say the least. i'm always intrigued by people who are able to leave behind all they know to be with someone they love that much. it seems so complicated and crazy, but at the same time... think of how incredibly simple it is!! i'm sick of people saying "ohh... you'll just know when its right". more and more i find myself getting that feeling you do when you hear a song really hits you and it stops you dead in your tracks and you almost get a shudder because every line hits home.

part c: family
sometimes its a struggle dealing with, trying to understand, sacrifice for and to control my opinions around. but in the end its whats important because its always there.


i see myself as a late-bloomer so its uneasy to know how far i can take things when i so desire. i mean i'm not saying i'm holding pandoras box or anything, just that the way i have done things is paying off and providing results now and feeding that confidence, but at the same time that feeling of being lost yet knowing you are at the edge of the forest... so to speak. i guess i've probably said too much at this point. i dunno, its just that feeling of self reflection that has settled in on me. throw in a large serving of restlessness and let it marinate.