A dream inside a dream
As I sit here in front of a laptop after so many years wondering where to begin and to what degree I care to divulge, I cannot dismiss the fact that this feels right to write. A passion lost. I feel like the flume in the dam holding back a reservoir in the spring after the snow has melted in an el Niño year, fittingly, as it is... in both circumstances. metaphors aside, I feel light in a heavy time.
I feel its important to talk about how I feel. This was the diary of my life for many of my years when I searched. I find myself in a similar situation again, searching. This time after I thought I had found what I had been looking for. But as bono sang "I still, haven't found, what I'm looking for". In this forum the words dried up, as did the time, during the song and dance of date, engage, marry, expecting, birth, legacy. I refer to them perhaps frivolously, but they seem as much now in hindsight. the effect of scar tissue I suppose.
In some regards I write for my son. I owe him that much. He is me.
I suppose I shall begin on Sept 9. The day the first plane hit. Coming home from work after years of sacrificing myself, my pride, my time, my friends, my family. I had a full time drilling job, running my own crew as I saw fit. A schedule of two weeks away and two weeks home. a dream schedule in the industry. The time vs money hourglass now lay on its side in my eyes. a lovely balance. my lil man was 1, just having celebrated the two lions birth, before I had left. I had celebrated on the car ride to the airport with several of the guys from work. That combination of dead tired and giddiness. I had several trips planned for my family over our anniversary and probably felt the best I ever had coming home from work. I'm sure the beer helped that along. The only other time I had come back from work drinking was when I was surprised by her to find out we were pregnant and expecting. I was in for a very different surprise this time.
"I'm not in love with you anymore. I cheated on you. There is no going back for me. I wrote you a letter to explain more."
(on the banks of the Fraser river, in a park by the airport)
-cue the sequence in inception where I can't tell if its a dream or reality
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhavsmsi_5M
I feel its important to talk about how I feel. This was the diary of my life for many of my years when I searched. I find myself in a similar situation again, searching. This time after I thought I had found what I had been looking for. But as bono sang "I still, haven't found, what I'm looking for". In this forum the words dried up, as did the time, during the song and dance of date, engage, marry, expecting, birth, legacy. I refer to them perhaps frivolously, but they seem as much now in hindsight. the effect of scar tissue I suppose.
In some regards I write for my son. I owe him that much. He is me.
I suppose I shall begin on Sept 9. The day the first plane hit. Coming home from work after years of sacrificing myself, my pride, my time, my friends, my family. I had a full time drilling job, running my own crew as I saw fit. A schedule of two weeks away and two weeks home. a dream schedule in the industry. The time vs money hourglass now lay on its side in my eyes. a lovely balance. my lil man was 1, just having celebrated the two lions birth, before I had left. I had celebrated on the car ride to the airport with several of the guys from work. That combination of dead tired and giddiness. I had several trips planned for my family over our anniversary and probably felt the best I ever had coming home from work. I'm sure the beer helped that along. The only other time I had come back from work drinking was when I was surprised by her to find out we were pregnant and expecting. I was in for a very different surprise this time.
"I'm not in love with you anymore. I cheated on you. There is no going back for me. I wrote you a letter to explain more."
(on the banks of the Fraser river, in a park by the airport)
-cue the sequence in inception where I can't tell if its a dream or reality
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhavsmsi_5M
posted by miceail | 2:54 AM
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